Strange, probably coincidental, that two people would ask me to watch the same movie because, they said, one of the characters reminded them of me.  Good thing I was able to download a copy of it online; it saved me from going to the cinemas.  (That meant getting myself out of the bed during the long weekend, which I had no intention of doing.) 

The story unfolded non-linearly jumping between days and events like a jumbled recollection of someone trying to make sense of what had happened.  A hazy, summery dream of some kind of love affair that was never quite defined and never went anywhere. 

After watching the movie, I went on to watch a TV series, a sitcom that required very little brain activity.  Then I read a few pages of a fantasy novel, a cosmic absurdity.  And then I slept.

The next day I went out for a walk, went to church, sat and prayed in a chapel.  I lighted a candle when I got back.  Three years and eight months.  I remember something from that time.  I was in the airport with my parents.  Just before we boarded the flight, my mom took my hand and told me to put up a brave front.  Funny how I had carried it through the years, never having learned to unlearn it.

Thinking about it, that's all it was: a front.  Some shield or armor that--while it has protected me from some things--has kept a lot of things at bay.  I've maintained distance to objectify experiences, try things out of curiosity, but never really gotten involve in anything that I couldn't let go of.  

This, I guess, was the side effect of being forcibly torn from whatever attachments I've had: I can't get myself to hold on to anything.  Not when I've seen how fast things can change; how transient things really are.  I never exerted any effort to make anyone stay.  Especially if I couldn't be certain of anything.

I lighted another candle, placed it under a molded container and put a few drops of potpourri oil.  I picked up the fantasy novel and started reading where I left off.  I wanted not to think about heavy things.  But the weekend--what it meant, what it tried to commemorate--made it hard for me not to unearth things I have never forgotten.  In the background, a song was playing.

You go to war for love like a soldier, I wanna run away.  You're never scared to walk through the fire, I wish I had your faith.  I'm so afraid to lay down my armor.  I'm not brave.  

At the back of my head, echoes from the movie I had seen the night before ran.

I just woke up one day and I knew.

Knew what?

What I was never sure of with you.

I continued reading.  I haven't reached that point yet.

Last night reminded me of this.

Although BIG friends weren't there, having done the MASS exodus already.  It was nerdy friend who took their place.  And paid the dinner bill.  We ate some place else, not at Bellini's; but we did go to Starbucks after going for a walk along Shoe Expo.  It was four years ago, almost exactly to the night.  I was getting wasted then for the board exam.  Now, it's Tall friend's brother who's getting ready for the same board exam.  Funny how time flies.  How it hurled us to the present with different lives and different concerns; a storied past, but still connected by the same things--food, mostly, and books and alcohol.

BIG friends left March the following year, celebrating their 23rd birthday up in the air, while I was stoically trying not to breakdown.  Things have changed since then, but we managed through the changes and the dramas of our separate lives--Tall friend's never-ending pests, BIG friends' finances and the novelty that go with living with your entire family for the first time in more than two decades, and mine, drifting off to a half-life, mostly asleep.  We have lived somewhat vicariously through each other's stories.  Mine and tall friend's ordinary lives here in Manila, and BIG friends' exciting lives outside the country, where the sight of a new guy in the office can set their hearts fluttering, dreaming of riding off to the sunset on a blue, blue caravan while balancing sheets and plates on both hands.  Feeding our hopes and dreams that one day we will all wake up 40 and single and bitter and getting at each other's throats, having coffee mixed with gin for breakfast. 

By then we would, at least, be rich.  Filthy.  BIG friends would have a collection of Hermes, cats, and boys.  Tall friend, by then, would have heartlessly killed not a few pests while jetsetting all over Europe shopping for clothes, a wedding ring, and a guy who will wear that ring.  Tall friend's parents would've built so many churches in Bicol already, ceaselessly praying that Tall friend will get married in one of them.  That would be the time when I could buy a Zegna everyday, but not the love of my life.

One foot in, one foot out.  That's what the card reader told me last week.  The first of the milestones I have been waiting for months arrived in my email last Friday.  I'm still waiting for a couple of the more important things to push through and work.  Standing on a curbside, waiting for my rocket, they will come.  Meanwhile, I should get busy and I should get ready, tie up loose ends, and make peace with the past.  Another era is ending and a new one is waiting.

Hey, Dan! I turned around to where the voice was coming from.

Hey! Long time! I smiled.

My friend sat on the chair in front of me and we started talking.

Why are you here?  I asked.  Di ba you're usually at RS?

Not today.  I'm going to work late pa naman e.  So dito na lang ako sa Fort.

So how are you?

I'm good, good.

And?  How are you and--I'm sorry--I forgot the name.

We're, he paused a bit then said, somewhere.

Exclusively dating? Or just no formal talk?

We're exclusively dating, pero we haven't really talked about us.

That's good progress na ah.  The last time I had a chance to talk to you, you weren't even exclusive.

Onga e.  Tagal na nun ah.  Seven, eight months ago?

Is there a need to rush?

Hmm. I guess wala naman.

Anyway, I'll go ahead na. Still got work.

Sige, sige.

See you around.

When I stepped out of Fort Strip, the sun was up.  Perfectly bright, not too hot after days of rain, drizzle, and cloud.  There was a feeling of lightness everywhere, as if the worst was over, the weekend's coming, and whatever storm the coming days would bring, there will always be this day--caught between rains and storms--when the parking space seemed luminous; the sky was azure, and there was a gentle, soft breeze in the air.  There were leaves falling from the trees lined along the sidewalk, scattered and windswept.  There were ladies chattering, laughing; you see a friend you haven't seen for a long time.  One fine day.  It might not be the right time, but it's a good time to fall in love.

Back to normal.  This is what it's supposed to be.  After a month of sporadic leaves, going to work two or three times a week, sometimes not at all, I've finally used up all my available leaves.  Some people take a vacation leave because they want to go somewhere, others take them because they had things to do.  I took a leave because I don't want to do anything.  I've taken vacation leaves before, going somewhere or doing something, that have left me more stressed and exhausted than when I had been working.  It'd be nice, I thought, for a change, to take a vacation with nothing planned.  To sort of catch up with life, assume a role, and play it as it lays.

In the last four weeks, I have managed to finish three books, including the tedious The Lost Symbol, and I'm in the middle of my fourth book.  I eschewed the life I had been living in the past months, settled for something quieter. Like the stillness of a silent water.  Storms and floods notwithstanding, it seems I have lived on a separate peace.  With its own set of skirmishes and little victories.  Still incomparable and significantly insignificant to what others had gone through the past few weeks.

I may have gone through this, initially, with mixed emotions.  On the one hand, there was a month ahead littered with leaves, of not having to wake up every morning to go to work, doing all the usual stuff.  On the other hand, I had thought how this--to borrow Vienna Teng's song--could be the last snowfall.  If I were that kind of grateful, what would I try to say?

BIG friends have wondered about this, about what next year would bring.  If this were the last slow curling of your fingers in my palm; if this were the last I felt you breathing, how would I carry on?  Then I would be reminded of what Gandalf had said, All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

I had been given this time to make what I could out of it, to see how it would be like if nothing would change.  To achieve that work-life balance that the corporate world shouts, but rarely encourages.  I realized, looking back through all the ordinariness of the past four weeks, that I want this.  I want not just a sliver of it, but the whole damn thing.  I felt good about it, almost happy.  But if life were to throw me in another loop, which might change everything, then at least I had this moment.  That's enough to be grateful.

O bat tumatawa kang mag-isa?

Natatawa ako sa binabasa ko.

Ano ba yan?

Discworld.

Sorry, late.  Hindi ako makaalis ng bahay agad.

Okay lang.  Lagi ka namang late.

Hindi no, lagi ka lang maaga.

My friend and I talked randomly while I was sipping my fourth cup of brewed coffee early Saturday evening.  When it decidedly went serious.

Alam mo, I've always wanted the corporate world.  Kahit nung college pa ako, naiimagine ko na ang sarili ko sa corporate.  Pero ngayon naisip ko na mas gusto ko na lang ng simpleng buhay.  Yung certification nga na pinapakuha sakin sa office, tinatamad na ako kunin.

Ano ba yun?

Parang certification for financial analysts.  Eh mahal yun.  50k ata yun per level tapos three levels.

O bat ayaw mo kunin?

Ewan ko.

May cash-out ka?

Wala. Company magbabayad ng lahat.

Walang bond?

Wala.

Kunin mo na.  Take it and be done with it.  Kahit yung first level lang.

Ewan ko, nawawalan ako ng gana lately.  Although alam kong bragging rights yun.  Siguro noon, pinatos ko na yan.  Mejo nag-shift ata ang perspective ko.

Nasa phase ka lang siguro na burnout ka.  Matagal ka na ring nagwowork e.  Seven or 8 years already.

Onga, matapos lang 'tong mga obligasyon ko sa bahay.

Baka sinasabi mo lang yan ngayon kasi pagod ka.  If you live the simple life everyday for the rest of your life, I'm sure you'll wish that your life would be more exciting.  It's human tendency to always see the grass is greener on the other side.  Especially kung nakikita mo yung mga batchmates mo ng college na successful na sa mga career nila.  I'm sure you'll wish you're living their kind of life.  May tendency ka pa namang ganun. 

Yung alin?

Yung kino-compare mo sarili mo sa mga batchmates mo.  Eh di ba more than a year ago nagrereklamo ka sakin na buti pa yung mga batchmates mo nakarating na sa ganito, ganyang lugar, nakabili na ng ganitong bagay.  Tapos ikaw parang walang nangyayari sa buhay mo.  Then now na ikaw naman yung okay, gusto mo naman manahimik.  You'll always be curious about what you don't have and you will always want your curiousity satiated.

Haay.  Ewan ko.  I mean, siguro ngayon alam ko na yung talagang gusto ko.  Since I know what it's like to be successful sa corporate.  Hindi na yun curiousity sakin.  Parang, tapos na ako jan.  I want a simple life.

Mangyayari din naman yun.  Pag natapos na lahat ng obligasyon mo siguro.  You can settle for a simple life.  Just make sure that you won't want to go back in the fast-paced world when everyone's running and ikaw nagsa-sashay lang at inuungusan na ng lahat.

Hahaha.  Gago.

It's just something you need to think about.  Kasi noon, when I wanted a simple life--when it felt like my world was going crazy, too loud and too noisy--ayun pumasok ako ng seminaryo.  Haha.  Nothing could be more simple than that.  Halos walang internet, cellphone.  Ginagawa ko lang aral, dasal, at mga gawaing bahay.  Then I realized na parang hindi ko ata kaya yung ganun.  There were times I felt helpless lalo na pag may mga problema sa bahay.  Wala akong magawa kasi nasa loob ako.  Ang passive ng buhay ko dun, almost muted.  I realized, I wanted to earn for myself and earn well enough to have that kind of power that money gives you.  So ayun, nagcorporate ako.  Then naisip ko na gusto ko i-try yung night shift since gising naman talaga ako pag-gabi.  So night shift yung kinuha kong work.  Then gusto ko i-try yung lahat ng shifts, so lipat naman ako ng work na merong ganun.  Ayun, may time na ang shift ko e pabago-bago. Minsan umaga, minsan hapon, minsan gabi.  Haha.  Then naisip ko na siguro ganun lang talaga ako.  I cannot want a quiet, simple life when there are times na gusto ko rin ng excitement.  In the same manner, I cannot want a constantly fast-paced life kasi there are days na gusto ko lang na tahimik, doing ordinary stuff.

So ang ibig mong sabihin, hindi mo lang talaga alam kung ano gusto mo ngayon?  Eh kahit naman noon, hindi mo naman talaga alam kung ano gusto mo.  Lahat sinusubukan mo.  For the sake na magawa mo lang o ma-try mo man lang kahit once sa buhay mo.

Haha. Hindi naman.  I have a vague idea of what I want.

And ano naman yun, aber?

I want an extraordinary life.  With someone.

Ayan o.

Tawag jan caffeine overload.

Hahaha.

Tara, takbo tayo.

Saan?

Sa buong mundo.

Sira.

Suntukan na lang.

Gago.  Uminom ka nga ng tubig.

Wrapped up, packed up, ribbon with a bow on it.

Currently listening to: Ribbon
Currently feeling: mixed

It was strange to have thought of you late at night, lying on my bed, when I'm supposed to be counting sheeps.  You were a stray thought.  From out of nowhere I was suddenly thinking of you.

Of what had happened.  Like creating a linear thread of disjointed events.  A melody hummed from the beginning to the fade out.

Of what had gone wrong.  Time.  There was never enough of it and it seems there was never a right one.  Effort.  The meeting point, the halfway place that was never defined.  Priorities.  Everything seems to have come first and this was merely an option.

Of what had gone right.

Of what could have been.  It'd have been good, probably great.

It was strange to have thought of you last Sunday night.  Strange, because it's been quite a long time already.  There are hardly any traces of you in my life.  You were a once upon a time without the fairy tale ending.  An open-ended question that seemed rhetorical.  A story that ended without a resolution.  An ellipsis rather than a period.

You were the thought that strayed in my mind when I'm not supposed to be looking elsewhere.  The sliding door from something that feels old to a new adventure.  From a dead-end to a dirt road barely seen.

What would it be like to be on that dirt road with you?

My cellphone rang, I looked at the time before picking it up: 2:46AM.  I heard my Mom's voice on the other end.  Don't shave your head from now on, she said. 

Okay, I'm going to sleep now, I said.  I got back to counting sheeps.  And my thoughts, for days, have strayed ever since.