It's that season again.  In the past week two weeks I had seen a lot of movies, most of them screener versions for consideration for the award season.  With the Oscar nominations out, I have seen most of those nominated for Best Picture.

Avatar.  This is one of the three movies among the ten nominated that I've seen in the movie house.  The visuals are dazzling and impressive.  The storyline not so much.  I fell asleep somewhere in the middle, expecting anytime to hear the song Colors of the Wind.   Or maybe If I Never Knew You.  

Blind Side.  Emotional, inspirational.  It will make you feel better after watching the movie.

An Education.  Carey Mulligan is lovely to look at.  Haha.  And she deserves the nomination.  I like the story enough.  How some people take the more circuitous route of getting to where they want to be.  Only after seeing the other side do we realize that where we are and where we're headed in the first place has been the right way all along.  

Inglorious Basterds.  Tarantino all over.  The guy nominated for the supporting role deserves his nomination.

Up.  The other movie I've seen in the cinemas. Although I've seen this last year.  I like this movie.  The montage at the beginning was a heartbreaker.

Up In The Air.  Timely and relevant.  With a minor twist at the end.  

The Hurt Locker.  I've seen this last year.  Good story, especially if one considers that a woman directed this war movie.  All the more impressive.

District 9.  The third nominated movie I've seen in the cinema.  An intelligent sci-fi movie.  

Precious: Based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire.  Grim yet hopeful.  And, hey! Mariah can act!

The last nominated movie I have yet to see: A Serious Man.  But I've downloaded it already.  So this week!

Other movies I've seen this weekend.

The Lovely Bones.  Not so lovely.  Good visuals, but a bit dragging.

Bright Star.  The last three years of John Keats' life.  I got bored.  Although Abbie Cornish was beguiling.  Haha.

The Princess and the Frog.  Charming. Hey, I'm still a kid.  Haha.

Broken Embraces. Pedro Almodovar and his muse, Penelope. 

Movies I want to see:

Invictus

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Crazy Heart

A Single Man

The Last Station.

Nine.

The White Ribbon

Coco Before Chanel.

January 31, 2010 06:42PM

Let me address your beautifully written entry with utmost care lest I skip on some important points you covered. 

For one thing, take your time. You are under no obligation to jump into this world knowing the ironies and anomalies that accompany such existence. Well, yes ... we are quite a romantic specimen while we tend to take ourselves too much for granted, equating promiscuity as a license to our lifestyle. What is important is that you address your needs and you understand yourself . The process cannot be diminished to a set of equations. It takes time. And patience. And kindness to the self. What is important is that you find out what will make you happy. 

What else do I want to accomplish? Dan, I feel I have not done anything. I have not done anything worthwhile at all. There is an entire world that remains to be conquered. I want to do the films I want to do. I want to write books. I want to help this country sans all these clowns who pretend to be messiahs and dress themselves as politicians. I want a deeper and more meaningful life. Now that is saying quite a mouthful. 

OK, your turn. 

How do you see yourself in three years? Five years? What can truly make you happy right this very moment when you read this query?

#

January 31, 2010 10:58PM

I do take my time. But it's not like I have a choice to be anyone else but me, because I don't think that's possible. Whatever the miracle workers would say. Hahaha. But I'm like that. I'm uncomfortable in whatever kind of life I'm in. 

I know, right? There's really still such a big world out there. Still a lot of things to be done. And a million books to read. Haha. It's good that your thirst for life remains to be quenched. What would be the films and books that you want to do and write? 

What can really make me happy right now? Reading a good book in a balcony on a breezy Sunday afternoon with hot coffee and pandesal. Hahahaha. 

Three or five years from now I think I'd still be doing IT stuff. It's something I know well enough to do and I can sort of be happy as long as it's still challenging. But I also want to write. Though I know it's not a very practical career choice here. And I have to be practical otherwise I won't survive. Hahaha. Eventually I want to find some balance between that--doing IT stuff and writing on the side. It's still a long way to get there, but hopefully I'll get there. My hands are obviously more talkative than my mouth. Hahaha. 

I've read this article in the New York Times a few days back and the last paragraph hit me-- 

“The goal was always to avoid being that surly alcoholic guy who didn’t live up to his dreams and blamed the wife and kids for that,” he added. “So, you make your calculations, you roll the dice and you hope you’re right that there’s time after you make it to then join the human race and have a normal emotional life.” 

I can relate to that; I think I'm going to be like that. I'm going to chase my dreams just for the sake of trying and not having to blame anybody for not trying. I know it's a gamble because you can wake up one day lonely, but I think it's a chance worth taking, right? Given how unruly and lawless this world can be, I think chasing dreams at this point would be better than chasing loves. Maybe when I've achieved my dreams, they have all grown up. And we can all live happily ever after. Hahaha.

#

February 01, 2010 07:57AM

This is indeed quite an awkward world, Daniel. 

I see how fitting it seems, even all too important, but as you go through further destinations in your journey called life ... you will realize that integrating is not as big a deal as fulfilling ... or actualizing. I can only laugh at the thought of a young man groping with conversations involving things you have no interest of ... or, worse, trying to blend into a quorum with all the ditties and flourishes involving popular arts and fashion. 

I am a firm believer that every day in one's life is an adventure which should lead to learning. That is why I never subscribed to this whole bit about resting on your laurels or making a big deal about what you have done. What is of premium importance is knowing what you can still do ... and not merely dreaming about it but going out of your way AND doing it. 

That is why I don't give the time of my day to people who do nothing but give me an ego massage. Yes, it is good to be affirmed but then it is not the entire reason why you do what you have to do. I have done about fifty plus films but I do not think I have done anything of real importance to the world. And until my last breath ... which I believe will be about a quarter of a century from now ... I will still be going out of my way testing my limits. 

I am also a hungry reader. I read anything I can get a hold of ... right now I am reading a tome called FEARLESS LIVING. Quite interesting, really. What is delicious about reading is not discovering something new but realizing what you have known all along but never had the time to pinpoint. 

OK. Got to move my ass to get to my movie set. Talk to me some more, Dan. You are one fascinating specimen of beautiful humanity. 

I wasn't doing much at work last week.  My mind kept wandering or dozing off into strange places.  So I decided to blog.  Not here, but somewhere else.  I got a lot of feedback, most of them came to my inbox, while others were comments on the entries.  Some of them might have struck some chord on some people.  Some as far as the other side of the globe.  One email came from New York.  It read: 

Hey...so i don't normally reach out to a lot of people randomly haha, but after having your blog catch my eye, and subsequently reading the rest of your other entries, I felt somewhat compelled to reach out to you. 

I really just wanted to say that I thought a lot of what you addressed in your blogs was very relatable, and how you asked some pretty daunting questions lol...Clearly there was a common theme among all your pieces that centered around relationships and the awkward-at-times dynamics of this life. I for one, know that I think a lot about what you speak about, and the very same questions you pose, I've asked myself repeatedly. 

I'm certainly no expert on relationships, but it seems to me that a lot of the issues addressed, such as the ambiguity on how to cultivate a successful relationship can all be summed up by asking how hard the two individuals are really willing to work... 

I dont know, maybe it just goes back to the asian work ethic mentality, but I truly do believe that anything good in this world only comes by the way of working hard at it. Why should relationships be any different right?

Funny thing is, I've had this convo with a friend before, and I think problems tend to arise when one or both parties in the relationship are tired of working at it. That's when things start to turn sour. Sure, some people will say that love is no work at all, and that their relationship is simply built on emotional chemistry or mutual attraction..but that really only takes you so far no? All that is just a foundation, but the moment you stop building on top of it, things will crumble. 

I really did not intend to write this much to you when I first started out my message haha. It actually creeps me out how much I've written, but hopefully it doesn't creep you out too much. This message could probably just be a blog itself . 

I would actually be really surprised if you got to the end of this message, but I just wanted to say that you are definitely not alone in how you feel, and from what I can tell from just reading your work, you just seem like a genuinely good guy who's lookin for some answers. Well we all are...so i think it just comes down to having a little faith. LIke you said, we're all individual people, so i think a big part of it is just discovering more about yourself and the person that you are, and in turn i think some of your questions will become less unclear. 

I hope you find what you're looking for and tell me if you ever unravel any of these big mysteries of life. lol. 

have a good one and I apologize for my rant.  

Life is not all that different wherever. =)

Listen to this.

My friend grabbed my iPod and started listening to the song.

Nice, no?

Yeah.  Nakaka-in love. Haha.

It was deep into the night, the ungodly hours just before dawn, and we were sipping coffee in a techno hub somewhere in Quezon City.

My friend had called earlier, before midnight, just as I was about to sleep.  I've had dinner already so I ordered coffee while my friend ate a very late dinner.

I got dumped.  My friend said.  Actually, when I called you I had just finished crying for an hour.

Ah.  That explains the eye bags.

We moved to another coffee shop where I ordered my second brewed coffee for the night.  We went around for a walk, talking about random things.  

What kind of love do you want?  My friend asked, staring blankly and absentmindedly at the large balls of changing hues; green then, now blue.

Haha.

No, seriously.  What?

Hmm.  I want a can't-live-without-you kind of love.  I want not only to be loved, but to be loved alone.

Awww.  I want that, too.  See?  You're not really so cynical.  But it's hard, right?

What is?

Finding the one who's worth all that.

Yup.

It was past four in the morning when we called it a night.  On the way back, we continued listening to the song we were listening earlier.

Have you ever felt so lost, but didn't know till you were found?
Looking everywhere but you finally see now.
In a room full of people, you feel like no one's around.
Got your head in the clouds and your feet are off the ground...

#

It's been a long time since I last heard Moonriver and a few moons ago was the first time I had sung it.  I've always loved that song, loved it in the context by which I have first heard it.  And it had stuck to me even though it's from a different, long gone era.

It'd be lovely to have that.  To have someone to see the world with.  One of the two drifters off to see the world.  And maybe you never have to settle down anywhere or any place, but in each other's arms.

It's been a strangely fascinating journey the past few years, with layered lives and unruly desires.  Oftentimes, I've sat silently in the background, observed and studied the many people around me.  Strangers some of them, faces familiar only by the mecca I've been to in the last couple of years.

This, this subculture, is a testament, if ever we need one, of the complexity of the individual, the interconnectedness of lives, and the smallness of the world we live in.  As a friend once noted, everyone eventually sleeps with everyone else.  I guess it's true in a general sense.  Or at least that's how it seems on the surface.  I've often thought about it, whether promiscuity is due to the fact that there are no written rules for living or is it because it's a damned life so you might as well be condemned.  Or is it all for love?  The continuous searching and endless looking of it in hidden and, perhaps, in all the wrong places.  And given that there are no rules, it's all testing the waters and generating fireworks to see which one will work and go a mile or distance.

How come relationships don't last as long as they used to?  Is it the presence of too many distractions that people never stop looking?  Where relationships are celebrated every month because it's a modern milestone and those that last for years are a source of wonder and amazement.  Especially this, this society of repressed lives, where it's more common for relationships to happen in a single night and end by daybreak.

This is the Catch-22: you choose what's wrong and you are condemned; you choose what's right and you live the life of a ghost.

Maybe some happiness can be found despite being condemned, a peace within oneself, borne out of acceptance, that's unshakable.  Such that a damned life is no excuse to be impudent.  

No other life is as contradictory as this one.  No other kind can be as romantic and yet as philistine as this.

I crossed the boulevard to a coffee shop where, almost four years ago, I had sat and waited for my parents to come out of the steel gates that decide the fates and dreams of many people.  It was my turn now and I had just enough caffeine in my system to shot me out of the universe.  The whole U.N. Avenue was ahead of me and I decided to walk along it till I reach the LRT station.  I bought a bottle of water at the nearest convenient store and started walking.  Past the Manila Pavillion where, once, I had driven someone to work.  It's a memory as distant and yet as vivid.

Past Philamlife building where I had watched a concert performance with a group of friends.  Where one had dragged me out, just before the concert started, to walk along Taft and look for a place to eat on a Sunday night when every store was closing early.  The concert was a downer, but the company was great.

I crossed Taft to get to the other side, to take the LRT that would take me to the stop that connected two trains.  I rarely take this route; I rarely had a reason to be in Taft.  I got down Doroteo Jose station.  The last time I had been there was when I went with a friend who enrolled at DLSU--the first time I had been inside enemy territory and toured, briefly, the campus grounds.  But it was a long time ago, although the interconnecting walks and platforms have remained the same.  And my friend has long recovered from the limps and bruises of being mugged on a dark street.

I hardly had any sleep then and I hardly had enough sleep now as the train made its way from one stop to the other until it reached mine.  Maybe it was an old train.  Or maybe they never change their playlist.  But a familiar song was playing in the background as I got down the train.  Some memories, unrelated and long gone as they are, have a way of sticking wit u.

There was this book I got in Amsterdam, in one of those small bookshops that littered the place, which I have been reading since I got it.  But I can't get past the first twenty pages.  I kept coming back to reread the pages.  I had been looking for it since college, a novel older than I am, and every sentence or paragraph I've read always made me pause.  And then I would go back to the first page to relish the words.  Like my vacation, I don't want it to end.

He always looked back as he went through, saying this might be that perfect town he was always searching for, where elms and lawns would be combined with the people he loved.  But those summer taxis drove inevitably through it, like vans bearing prisoners who are being transferred from one prison to another, when all we dreamed of, really, in our deepest dreams, was just such a town as this, quiet, green, untroubled by the snobberies and ambition of the larger world; the world we could not quit... and the van raced on through the streets so that the driver could hustle back for another load of pleasure-seekers, so bent on pleasure they were driving right through Happiness.

I've seen and known of not a few people like them.  Those who drive right through happiness for pleasure, because it's always been the more readily available between the two, a bandage to loneliness and boredom; something to kill time, a right now while waiting for the right one.

I realized I couldn't be like that.  Or maybe I've outgrown that.  Having had my spring awakening earlier in life, I wanted to get off the next stop to happiness and leave pleasure to the more tragic characters of this kind of life I am condemned to live.

The year that had been, 2009, was a quiet one.  The months were hardly distinguishable from one another except on the role changes I've had at work.  Outside of work, this was the year that I tried to do away with illusions, at least to a few people.  I realized that despite the prevalence of smoke and mirrors in this world, there are still a few good men bubbling under the surface.  It's admirable and refreshing to have known people who can be honest and forthcoming, who are open and trustworthy.  Rare qualities in a world where secret lives and identities abound.

Maybe I've reached that age where I care a lot less about opinions of people who barely matter to me.  Maybe after all these years I'm feeling the strain of assuming so many lives I could hardly separate the dancer from the dance.  Or maybe it is this: I know what would make me happy and it wouldn't matter what anyone else say about it.  It's hard to achieve, happiness that is, but 2009 had provided me a glimpse of that.  And I want all of that.  Not just a glimpse of it, but the whole damn thing.

Even before the holidays rolled in, I had envisioned how I want to spend it.  A bit hard to pull off, especially the part where I had to push (an impossible task) BIG friends to come home, but it did work.  BIG friends miraculously secured--in the busy Christmas season where everyone is going home--an entire plane to cart them off to Manila for the holidays.

For four days straight, day and night, I had been with Tall and BIG friends, munching on something porky and ending the night, strangely enough, always in a coffee shop.  They are the people, who through seasons and changes, had been there with me, despite a friendship that's more utilitarian than unconditional.

The next part of my vacation was a now-or-never kind.  I had thought about it earlier last year when my parents were convincing me not to purchase something expensive and instead use my savings on something else.  Why don't you take a vacation, instead?  They would tell me.  

The question was where.  Given the circumstances, the planned tour I had with Tall and BIG friends this year might not push through.  And I didn't want to go somewhere near.  If I were to go on a vacation, I told myself, I might as well go somewhere I really want.  So I went to Europe.

By the 2nd week of December, my visa had arrived and I had already purchased my plane fares.  I was still unsure though if it would happen.  At that time, it felt too good to be true.  It seemed that this time the universe had conspired with me and not against me.

It was only when I landed in Rome on the 23rd of December that the reality sank in: I'm in Europe.  It felt surreal and magical. Never mind if I kept getting lost.  It was an adventure to discover a city for myself, with people speaking in a language you don't know or understand.  For the succeeding days, I had gone to Belgium, the Netherlands, before spending New Year in France. My schedule was frenetic, trying to cram as much of the cities and the countries in 12 days.  It was only on my last night in Europe when I had a time to slow down.

And it had all the poignancy of a story I never wanted to end.  While walking along a street where Zegna, Versace, Chanel, Hermes, Louis Vuitton are lined up, I didn't feel the need to hurry to reach the bus station that would take me to a place where I could buy chocolates for pasalubong.  It was, after all, my vacation and I didn't want to rush it to end.  If possible, I would've wanted time to stop.  But since I couldn't, I could at least slow myself down.  Take a leisurely walk along the cobbled streets and simply wander.  I went to an express store to get a beer.  When I opened the door, Alicia was singing.  Some people want diamond rings.  Some just want everything.  But everything means nothing.  If I ain't got you.

I smiled.

I stopped at an internet station to transfer pictures from the camera to the USB drive.  When I stepped out, it was snowing.  The whole time I was walking, I couldn't get The Last Snowfall out of my head.  If this were my last glimpse of winter, how would these eyes see?  If this were the last slow curling of your fingers in my palm; if this were the last I felt you breathing, how would I carry on?  This is not the last snowfall; not our last embrace.  But if I were that kind of grateful, what would I try to say?

I've always been guarded about 2010.  It's a fresh new year on a fresh new decade and I don't know how it would play out.  The past decade had seen me graduate from college to working; to losing my brother and seeing my parents migrate to US.  To discovering a strange world beyond the wardrobe with witches and lions and mermaids and fairies.  There were people who had come and gone like the seasons and there were those who had hang around and stayed.  

It's hard to imagine and sum up the decade.  There were a lot of changes and milestones to remember; there were losses, both tragic and minor, as well as there were gains and lessons learned.

It was fitting to welcome the new year and the new decade with a view of the Eiffel tower ahead.  As the first few seconds of the new year ticked in, there were just the lights that scintillated and simmered on the tower.  And as I stood there staring at it, I wished there was something like that, like the Eiffel, standing, unchanging, towering over all the changes that would come.  And like the lights, these changes, whatever they may be, will not be as loud and explosive as fireworks.  Instead they would transition from one hue to another as effortlessly as the night fades and the day breaks.  I wished that whatever it is I want to hold on to would fight for me and never let me go.

Suddenly, my bags felt heavy to carry. Like the chocolates had become pure gold.  I walked so slowly, so sluggishly to the boarding gate.  I wanted to go back, press rewind from before Christmas, relive everything again.

I handed my passport and boarding pass, placed my bags in the overhead cabin and took my seat.  I was staring blankly at the window, the airport, the fields, the buildings all lay before me.  Get me back to Day 1 and to the days that came after that.  Memories rolled as the sun shone and the ice thawed.  12 days, 4 countries, 1 continent: Europe.

The man seated beside me exclaimed while I was placing my passport and tickets in my sling bag: Oh! You're going to Manila as well!  We have the same connecting flights!

Yes.  Are you going there on vacation?

No.  I married a Filipina so we're based there.  My wife went ahead of me a few days ago.  You're here for work?

No.  I just came here for a vacation.

And how was it?

Everything I ever wanted.

Winter came when I was taking a respite from a stressful day at work.  It was that time when I had been spending at least 14 hours a day at work, coming in early and going home just before midnight.  I was browsing at some pictures online when I came across some very funny, goofy ones.  It made me laugh out loud.  When you're stressed that much, a good laugh is very much welcome.  So I emailed the owner of the pictures.  

That's how it started, emails.  A series of them that started short then became very long, witty exchanges.  The breaking of the ice first happened when Winter had mentioned something about Elven genealogies.  That would be Silmarillion, I said in my reply.  To which Winter replied, you're the first guy i've met who's actually read it! not counting my friends of course. and not that we've actually met. =p Finally! A man after my own heart! hahahaha!

Winter had counted and calculated them.  Forty-two emails, if that's one email per day that's at least six weeks of email exchanges.  Don't you think it's about time we meet, have coffee or something?  Winter asked.  I was, as usual, noncommittal.

Weekdays are workdays for me.  The earliest I go out of the office is 10PM.  Your Sundays, as you've said, are family days.  Given that, I think, the soonest we can meet would be November 28, I replied.

Whoa!  That's like a month from now!  Winter exclaimed.  You're that busy, huh?

Yes.

How about tomorrow night, how soon can you get out of the office?

10 or 11.

Hmm.  I have rehearsals until 9PM tomorrow.  We can meet for coffee if you want.

Really?  Isn't that a bit late for you?  Your mom might kill you.

Well, I'm out anyway so I might as well stay out late.  I can wait for you somewhere until you're done.  Let's play it by the ear tomorrow.

Okay.  Let's meet before midnight strikes.

Why?  What happens at midnight?

I turn into a pumpkin.

LOL.

[to be continued]